It's been a bit since I've been on.... let's see.... since we've last chatted I've had to fire my one remaining employee ( directly reporting to me ) and assume his on call hours. Don't get me wrong, I still run my programs, and have people I consider who work for me in these programs- however no more that are strictly just reporting to me. Staff are now shared, and I feel even more powerless and overwhelmed.
Personalizing this, which it seems impossible to not do, I think I can actually feel any influence or say I have had in my company, the company I have devoted so much time slipping that much further away. There was a time when this would have been soooo much harder to take; however, I can honestly say I am not the man I was 3-4 years ago. As I feel any perceived influence slipping away, I can tell you I feel I have grown as a person in it's place. I feel that I'm a better friend, and know I'm a better parent. I honestly try to be a better husband, but- I think speaking for my wife, I'm not quite there yet.
Let's look at this for a bit.... my son has developmental disabilities. He is a brilliant little boy, it just takes him a little bit longer to ' get it ' physically. His patterns of thought, and reactions are just amazing, and I'm incredibly proud of him. For the longest time I was ( and sometimes still am ) afraid we're going to lose him too early. When we first realized there were some ' problems ' in how he reacted, we went to NUMEROUS specialists. These specialists made speculation that my son MAY have a disease which would decrease his life expectancy. I emphasize MAY, because no noe ever gave us a definitive ' yes or no ', which just added to the frustration. As a parent, it is earth shattering to hear, let alone imagine you may survive the passing of your child. It changes you. It changes how you look at things, and how you prioritize things. Nothing is more important than that little life- NOTHING. My son and his twin sister, my youngest daughter just celebrated their 5th birthday. They have not given a definitive answer as to the source of his limitations, but it appears that the initial diagnosis ( called AT disease ) is no longer our first conversation with his team of doctors. I am thankful to have him in my life- I see his strength, and it's infectous. He makes me want to be a better man.
Now, onto work. As my role within my company has changed, and it appears continues to change, I notice things. Let me start by saying, I've made some poor choices previously and probably upset some of the wrong people with those choices. To those people, I am sorry. In this time, I have noticed the character of people. To clarify, although no one has ever had the courage to tell me directly, I'm pretty sure I've been demoted within the past 3-4 years. It was called a ' lateral move ', however I question that now. Anyhow... I've noticed the people I've many times taken for granted are some of the best people I know. Likewise, others have shown me exactly how cruel we can be to each other. Many times people think and ' look out for #1 '. I can see how I probably was one of those people. With my ' lateral move ', I can now watch these events unwind around me. I cannot say to you that I am an important part of my company anymore, but I can say to you with 100% confidence that I'm lucky enough to work with a team of folks who are. I am now able to see people at my work for more than just the job they do. Now... think about that, re-read that sentence if it helps.... I'm now able to see our secretary of over 30 years as a person. I think about, and worry for her sometimes. She lives alone, never married, no children- and has health concerns. She fell about 1 year ago, and was away from work for nearly 6 months. During that time, her job was added to a ' pool ' of workers ( interchangable bodies with the same training, but less experience ). We thought she would not return to work, the injuries were that severe. She proved all of us wrong, and did return. She returned- not her job of the past 30 years, but as a member of a floating pool between departments. She has never said to me, but the look in her eyes speaks volumes as to the hurt this move has caused. How does this relate ? We now talk... and when she asks me about my children, I don't see it as a co-worker making small talk. I see her as a friend who has watched my oldest grow up, and has a genuine caring in her heart for my family.
OK.... much more to say, but running out of steam for tonight....
Yesterday's mistakes are today's aha moments
11 years ago
