Happenings

Given the historic nature of the current nature of the world, I almost feel obligated to offer my thoughts.
With the election- my candidate did not win. I, as much as I can be, am as excited as most folks in seeing if our President-elect is able to help us. I am purposefully staying away from the overused and seldom thought ' follow through on his campaign promises '. I am no smarter than any other, but I can read writing when it is on a wall.
Many of my republican friends note the current administration as being the primary cause for our current woes. I do not disagree with that. I was once told, and often practice, " ... it's not always popular to do what's right ... ". Popularity is a poor judgement of character- look at Harry Truman- he left office with as little popular support as any noted leader ( not just president ).
Abrham Lincoln wrote- " .... character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing ... ".
To blame our current administration for the country's problems is not particularly fair. In layman's terms, and for the most ardent critics- do you really feel that George W. is capable of such brillance in mounting such a monumental meltdown in such a short period of time ? If so- is this the same man who's intellect and speaking posture have been SO examined ? C'mon- it just doesn't add up.... even to a hillbilly like me.
The policies we now blame for our loss are founded in the leaders we memorialize. Let's allow history be just that- a period reflected upon with adequate time... not a shadow of a growing tree.

Secondly-

Can someone please help the Cleveland Browns play some pass defense ????

New Book

Just started a new book..... kinda taken in by the following passage....

" ... keep it simple;

provide for every contingency; and,

never panic, no matter how much your plan goes awry, which it occasionally does... ".

~ David Baldacci, ' The Collectors '

Hmmmmm.....

As I am becoming more computer savvy, I'm taking the time to get to know my online peers.... many times anonymously, but- on the rare occasion- when I'm so moved, I let others know I share their thoughts....

Part of what I do in my work is ASSESS others.... take that one in for a bit.... OK.... now- let me explain, that there are times that this does not end with the workday, and follows me home ( or out, or to the next great family function, etc... ).

Along with assessment comes OPINION....or, what do you think about what you just saw ??? Opinion is the easier of the two parts, but needs a shorter leash. Opinions must be honest; and- they must be fair. Now- I worked with a person who understood part of the equation- they were brutally honest... but- I'm not always sure how fair they were. This person would indicate and I guess sometimes brag about their unwavering honesty as noble things.... umm, yeah.

Honesty without fairness is like a thorn without the rose. It seems beautiful, but it stings and hurts. Likewise- being fair, but compromised is a weighted scale. If truth is lost in the name of being fair, we hurt as well. A balance of honesty and fairness is a learned opinion. It is not easily attainable, and many opinions do without it.... but it is a worthy goal.

These opinions lead to recommendations; or, how do we think we can change people, places, or things ?

This is the loaded gun.... we've seen the problem.... we think we know how to correct the problem..... but, are we willing to do it ? Part two... how do we express our recommendations appropriately ? AND- ARE WE WILLING TO DO IT ? Sadly- there was a time I would fight for my piece of the pie.... present my fair and honest opinions based upon solid assessment... but now- I find myself just watching the wheels go ' round and ' round....

G'night campers....

Here we go....

Why the picture of deep fried steak you may ask ? Well a friend of mine, ( referred to as ' Pretty ' in the ongoing ) enjoyed such a delicacy within this last week for his lunchtime fare. Makes me weepy, just thinking about it.... anyhow-

Where to start in this week..... hmmmmm..... work continues to be frustrating at it's best; life at home- pretty ok.... my youngest started socer yesterday, and scored her first goal !! Likewise, her twin brother was in the local newspaper this morning for advances being made in treatment at the local Easter Seals !!! Yea Jay !! My oldest returned to soccer, and did pretty ok..... I think she's going to be more of a softball player than a soccer star. The Mountaineers won, which was to be expected... the Browns kick off next week, and the Pirates continue to break my heart.... all in all, time was well spent....

My wife and I were talking, and suprisingly- we both noticed a difference between the soccer parents, and the softball parents.... how so ? In softball, all the parents sat together, despite affiliation..... not as much in soccer ( at least so far ... ). In my oldest's practice, definite ' grouping'. Even between folks who lived in the same part of town..... in my youngest's..... no doubt about it, we were the new kids in the school.... seems not easily integrated.... makes me wonder about the differences in popularity of the 2 sports in my area.... guess what I'm saying- if the parents aren't comfortable, how can we expect the kids to be so ? OR- do well in the sport ? Maybe it's me... maybe it's where I live.... but- there is a difference.

I actually invited someone to this ' blog '..... this is HUGE for me.... anyone that knows me, knows trust is not something that's easy for me to do.... my first invitee has paid their dues, and I cannot think of anyone else that would be able to process the lunacy that sometimes spills out.... so- welcome my friend. Remember, we don't judge- ok ?

Ok.... peace out to the hippies.....

Random thoughts and scattered thinking....

It's been a bit since I've been on.... let's see.... since we've last chatted I've had to fire my one remaining employee ( directly reporting to me ) and assume his on call hours. Don't get me wrong, I still run my programs, and have people I consider who work for me in these programs- however no more that are strictly just reporting to me. Staff are now shared, and I feel even more powerless and overwhelmed.
Personalizing this, which it seems impossible to not do, I think I can actually feel any influence or say I have had in my company, the company I have devoted so much time slipping that much further away. There was a time when this would have been soooo much harder to take; however, I can honestly say I am not the man I was 3-4 years ago. As I feel any perceived influence slipping away, I can tell you I feel I have grown as a person in it's place. I feel that I'm a better friend, and know I'm a better parent. I honestly try to be a better husband, but- I think speaking for my wife, I'm not quite there yet.
Let's look at this for a bit.... my son has developmental disabilities. He is a brilliant little boy, it just takes him a little bit longer to ' get it ' physically. His patterns of thought, and reactions are just amazing, and I'm incredibly proud of him. For the longest time I was ( and sometimes still am ) afraid we're going to lose him too early. When we first realized there were some ' problems ' in how he reacted, we went to NUMEROUS specialists. These specialists made speculation that my son MAY have a disease which would decrease his life expectancy. I emphasize MAY, because no noe ever gave us a definitive ' yes or no ', which just added to the frustration. As a parent, it is earth shattering to hear, let alone imagine you may survive the passing of your child. It changes you. It changes how you look at things, and how you prioritize things. Nothing is more important than that little life- NOTHING. My son and his twin sister, my youngest daughter just celebrated their 5th birthday. They have not given a definitive answer as to the source of his limitations, but it appears that the initial diagnosis ( called AT disease ) is no longer our first conversation with his team of doctors. I am thankful to have him in my life- I see his strength, and it's infectous. He makes me want to be a better man.
Now, onto work. As my role within my company has changed, and it appears continues to change, I notice things. Let me start by saying, I've made some poor choices previously and probably upset some of the wrong people with those choices. To those people, I am sorry. In this time, I have noticed the character of people. To clarify, although no one has ever had the courage to tell me directly, I'm pretty sure I've been demoted within the past 3-4 years. It was called a ' lateral move ', however I question that now. Anyhow... I've noticed the people I've many times taken for granted are some of the best people I know. Likewise, others have shown me exactly how cruel we can be to each other. Many times people think and ' look out for #1 '. I can see how I probably was one of those people. With my ' lateral move ', I can now watch these events unwind around me. I cannot say to you that I am an important part of my company anymore, but I can say to you with 100% confidence that I'm lucky enough to work with a team of folks who are. I am now able to see people at my work for more than just the job they do. Now... think about that, re-read that sentence if it helps.... I'm now able to see our secretary of over 30 years as a person. I think about, and worry for her sometimes. She lives alone, never married, no children- and has health concerns. She fell about 1 year ago, and was away from work for nearly 6 months. During that time, her job was added to a ' pool ' of workers ( interchangable bodies with the same training, but less experience ). We thought she would not return to work, the injuries were that severe. She proved all of us wrong, and did return. She returned- not her job of the past 30 years, but as a member of a floating pool between departments. She has never said to me, but the look in her eyes speaks volumes as to the hurt this move has caused. How does this relate ? We now talk... and when she asks me about my children, I don't see it as a co-worker making small talk. I see her as a friend who has watched my oldest grow up, and has a genuine caring in her heart for my family.
OK.... much more to say, but running out of steam for tonight....

Quickie

I will prepare and some day my chance will come.
Abraham Lincoln
16th president of US (1809 - 1865)

I am becoming a big fan of Lincoln. At my work, everyone has their ' signature quote ' on their e-mails/ instant messengers / etc.
For my money- Honest Abe makes a lot of sense. Granted- quotes are the best portions of publications.... the richest drop of the cream so to speak. Got me to thinking- what would I choose for my signature quote for others ?
I have been told I can weave words pretty well when I want to- this is usually done to entertain or amuse- nothing on the scope of the motivational readings I've been into lately. And trust me- I don't think I really want to be remembered for something said in jest.
One that has always stuck with me for as long as I can remember is ' ... that people may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel ... '.
I am limited on time today, but- that is my thought, treat poeple how you want to be treated, and let me know how it turns out...
Keep on keepin' on my brothers & sisters....

Personality

I am completed intrigued by the concept of the ' examined life '. I don't completely understand it, but man.... it sounds great !!
I considered myself a ' thinker ', until such time as I have met a honest to god, genuine one. This person observes , analyzes, and in my opinion- has thoughts on everything around them. This is not a judgement on my part, as I have said- this is a talent I wish I could master. Being around this person, is sometimes maddening. As example, small things- this said with little or no thought; said for the value of entertainment become topics for later discussion. Things I say, and have no real reason for saying- having no harsh meaning, have the potential for hurting another. This is not OK.
I assume being on the other end of the rainbow, that constantly analyzing things ( even subconciously ) can lead to some long days. Constantly wondering what is meant by certain things- questioning whether or not you are correctly interpreting things- finding resolution to all of these things.... it's a big deal.
I do not want to hurt others, as I do not want others to intentionally hurt me. I am not the type of person who is a tremendous planner, and many times find myself more disorganized than I'd like to be. I rationalize this as my professional day is SO organized, that when I'm free of it, I may overcompensate and not worry about other things/ timelines, etc. Given this disclosure about myself, I can see where it may be maddening to others around me. Don't get me wrong- I manage the basics... but some of the bigger stuff, I may stumble over. I guess a point to this is - I WANT to be certain things for others I'm not ( such as a thinker/ planner ); but, in my road towards living the examined life- I'm discovering my limits in meeting those wants.
It is hard for the person who does not want to hurt others to recognize these things. To know you hurt others- whether directly or not... and to realize that the origins of these pains is just your personality, well... it's just hard.

Crazy is as Crazy Does....

So.... here it is 5:14 am, and I'm working a ' patient watch ' . Yup... I'm gonna bellyache again about being on call.... I mean- it's not like anybody's even reading this stuff...

Which brings me to a point... I am relatively new to this, in fact this is my first ' blogging ' experience. I was so excited- I was going to be able to EXPRESS myself to others- others I would hope with similar views..... YAWN....

I've done this for about a month now, and it appears that no one has seen/ commented anything on my ramblings. So- a decision was reached, it just doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter if you read this.

It just doesn't matter if you agree with this.

It just doesn't matter if you disagree.... you see, as I checked and saw that there were no noted comments, something happened.... I got upset. Really- kinda' mad. I thought to myself- ' ... c'mon, somebody's gotta be into it, right ? ... '. But... y'know what ? It seems not.... so, as a product of my being upset, I set forth a change.

This is no longer about anyone else.

This is about me. Now- anyone who truly knows me, knows that I seldom put myself in this position. Most times, I'm trying to think about others, and what others may think. Sometimes saying or doing things just to get that opinion. AND- hopefully that opinion was supportive of my thoughts, or else we'd have a whole new set of anxiousness/ paranoia/ craziness going on.... I guess I thought this experience would help me ' scratch that itch ' in a whole new way. Right now, I'm thinkin' I guessed wrong.

Now please don't misunderstand me- I'm gonna keep with this puppy- writing when I can, or want to.... not for entertainment, but just for me.

OK.... well, back to the inital point- being on call sucks.

I carried a big stick, but .......

OK.... so- who says if you're the ' best ' at something, anything- you've got to belittle the others around you ( whether directly or- my favorite, the " singing the competition's praises; but- they're just not the same level as WE are ...") ?
What happened to theory of the meek inheriting ths kingdom ? Now- don't get me wrong, I've done my share of shitty, self indulgent things- and I'm pretty sure I'm headed down Hell's highway, but- I can tell you I have never knowingly belittled another to advance m'self. And in my own self defense- those aforementioned shitty self indulgences, I did as a much younger, less caring person. So- maybe that's the recipe.... do a bunch of stupid things ( justified as ' growing pains ' ) when you're younger ( or less mature ), and then bitch about others doing the same.
All in the name of competiton, whatever form it may take.... hmmmmm....
Seeya' .

Workin' the Midnight Hour

I am a Social Worker. It's what I do- it's what I've done since college. I'm pretty sure I do a good job. However, anyone who works in this field recognizes one thing- you will not be a rich man doing the greater good for others.


This leads you to do things to supplement your salary- going on call as example. I am lucky that the agency I'm working for has such programs. Anyhow.... let's say I work in not one, not two, but three on call programs to supplement my salary. Let's say since Friday, I have been called out within one of these programs at least once. Good for the paycheck ( you hope ), but hard on the family.


I know.... it's my decision to take or not take call outs. I get paid ( for the most part ) for my services. But.... it's getting harder.


It's getting harder to leave my family in the middle of a meal.


It's getting harder to leave, and truly not know when you will be home again.


It's getting harder to tell my children good bye in the middle of a softball game.


I don't know if I'm getting older- but, I do know it's getting harder to work a 10 hour day, turn around and do an 8 hour on call shift, and do another 10 hour workday.



So... here's the question- do my children know that I never want to leave them to do this on call ? Will they understand as they get older ? Do they know the sacrifice I make of leaving them to go on call is for them ?



When I argue at home, many times it's over MONEY. Those who know me know that money is not my master. I have always been the type of person just to say- ' ... it's just money- I'll just have to make more of it ... '. Here's the crazy thing.... arguments lately have been over the amount of time I take on call !!!

To explain, please indulge me.... I am not the type of person who has to make a certain amount of money to feel secure in my own skin; rather, I'm all about the experience of life ( if that makes any sense ). I am reminded often of my family's financial obligations- and many times our inability to meet them within the suggested timeframe. Sooo... I take additional call- thinking this is what my family needs ( mo' money... mo' money ). Anyhow- it seems like this is still not enough to meet the needs, and now in addition to arguing about it- we have a round two of the amount of time I spend away on call.

So.... this took a pretty nasty turn pretty quickly.... anyhow- thanks for sticking around. To my family- know that at this point I know two things- I love you, and I hate being on call....

Staycation

OK ... let's say I don't make enough money. Let's say I think I do, but no one else does. OK.... let's say I'm the kind of guy who NEVER takes a day off, and REALLY looks forward to vacation with the family. Got me so far ?

Anyhow- let's say that gas cost is just out of hand, and at the urging of others, the Martin Family is going to forgo the idea of a beach trip, or Disney for one more year. OK... let's say the topic for vacation has been moved to a series of ' day trips ', or as I've read- STAYCATION.

This is where the family stays at home, while doing whatever. Let me continue by stating the Martin Family has tried this in the past, and not experienced a lot of success with it. If history is our teacher, as I truly believe it is- we can expect the following:

1. We will spend as much money if we went on an actual trip.


2. This will not feel like a vacation, or break, as we will BE STAYING HOME !!!

I am caught up feeling the same things that get on my nerves when I'm at home will undoubtedly be worse, as I will be at home home 10-12 more hours on the day during my 'break' from work.

So- here's to the guy who invented the idea... have a cold one on me. In fact , get it out of my refrigerator...

Seeya'....